Dreams, confused and intense. Interrupted at six each morning to the construction in the apartment below us. The purgatory of staying hidden and failing to get rest, it reminds me of another country.
Watching documentaries on Youtube. Obsessing over my language progress and realizing that, yes, a frightened affective state does impede learning. Remembering those decisions I could have made differently in the classroom.
Fragments, my thoughts, fragmented.
Strained, like a medical tourniquet, is our relationship as we cope with the ambiguity and our attempts to make it manageable. Wine, ice cubes, and television cool our nerves.
"Are you going to sleep?"
"I'm going to listen to the radio for a while." Or, "I'm going to read for a while." Or, "I'm going to try."
I'm on the couch in the middle of an episode, and then I begin to sense that I'm half a second away. In a moment, I wander into the bedroom, lie down on the bed. In a moment, I really try.